Hello, my name is Ana. I am discovering who I am after spending 32 years in a painful and controlling relationship with my ex-husband. WOW! That is a lot to unpack, right? However, there is beauty from ashes in my 6 children and 7 grandchildren.
Because of that, and other childhood things, I have found I have a life story to share. Actually, my story is many stories that over the years became one. Isn’t that how life is? We journey along through it, thinking we are simply living, but in truth we are gaining experience, knowledge, wisdom, and trauma.
Since my ex-husband is retired Navy and then we both worked for the largest retailer in the world, we moved quite often. I have had the advantages and disadvantages of living in several different parts of this amazing country! I grew up in southern California and that is where we met.
We moved often – to the east coast of Virginia to eastern Virginia, Pennsylvania, Arizona, Tennessee, Ohio and finally settled in Indiana. Each place brought a new culture, new people, new challenges and new lessons.
I realized that each of those experiences has shaped me in different ways. I have always been a “people person”, but I learned to adapt, to gain different perspectives and to view the world in ways that living in a single place my entire life would never have allowed me to do.
It will take me some time to unpack everything and share what I feel safe sharing with you. If I can help even one other person, everything I have gone through will have been for a purpose. I do know one thing; I would not still be here now if it wasn’t for the will and love of our Lord.
It was Christmas night 2024, and I was utterly alone for the first time in my life. My children were gone. To say I was devastated, is an understatement. I felt like every ounce of joy had drained from my life. But that night of abandonment became sacred. In my lowest moments, the Lord met me where I was.
That night, as I cried out to God, I learned what it was to truly surrender. I learned what it was to truly ask for forgiveness and to forgive. I began by envisioning a giant platter and started piling every sin, everything I had ever done that I could remember on it. Then I handed it to the Lord. I repeated this process with everything anyone had ever done to me, and this was HARD! Again, I handed it to the Lord.
At some point that night I know I was singing praises while I was weeping, (I found I could not sleep without either praise music or scripture playing). When I finally surrendered and stopped fighting, I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me as I praised through my tears. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, but I knew that I needed to trust Him. So, I did. I fully surrendered my will and made a decision to trust in the Lord.
I woke up tired, but powerful the next morning! I made it through that night! And many, many more. I have learned that you do not need to understand what the Lord has planned or why, you simply need to trust in Him! That trust gives you this amazing understanding without understanding! It gives you peace, that defies words! Defies explanation, it just fills you with the knowledge that you will be ok. No matter what happens, you will be ok!
“…Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe,””
– Mark 5:36 (NIV)
“And do not fear those who can kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both body and soul in hell.”
– Matthew 10:28 (ESV)
Throughout all of this I learned something profound and life changing! When we suffer abuse, we begin to feel worthless and as if we have no value to this world. But if the Creator of all things-the sun, the mountains, universe, everything- He thinks we are worthy enough to send His son down here. How much do you love your children? Now, just imagine how much the Father loves His only Son!
And this is the amazing part; Jesus knew everything that would happen to Him before He came and came anyway! Jesus came anyway to be spit on, abused, ridiculed, tortured, and murdered – for us! Because we matter that much to God! We are literally more valuable to Jesus than His own life! Then I say we are worthy beyond measure! This is how I am learning to be treasured.
Thank you for sharing in my journey. I pray that my story touches you and through it you find that you are treasured.